14.11.09

Bye

Im sitting here. In an enormous shock. A shock to where nothing In this fucking world matters. Music. Skating. Its all a blank. I have the same fucked up feeling I had the first and last time I got high. Blood flowing to fast. Heart pumping nervously but I can't feel it.I just witnessed my two bestfriends who know more about me than my own mother, cry. When I got the news, I sat for minutes, mouth wide open. In a panic shock, but somehow stuck to the chair with no movement. Thoughts from 24 hours ago ran threw my head. Her asking me my opinion about which dress she should wear to her meeting with an agent. Im giving her funny yet truthful answers. Before I know it the shock that I had hit me again. Forcing tears of what the fuck out of my eyes. I can't believe what has happend. In the background. I hear doors banging, yelles of fuck, shit breaking. Every thought of anything I can think of goes threw my head. Im aat total lost. I spent my lasst moments with her. Im shaking as I type this, we only got the news about an hour ago. Tall chocolate girl that I always had a crush on. All ways jumpy, looking at the positive side of things. Would do any thing for me if I asked. From letting me borrow money to taking me to work to home to wherever. Then the thoughts of the night before hit me again, I go into another panic shock. The room is silent. The only sounds are coming from the living room, which in clude fucks and heavy breathing and the laptop, playing very dramatic classical music from bethtoven. I shut the tv off, close the laptop, and sit. Sit. the thoughts going in my head are. We just got the news that sge is officially gone. My heart is now beating again, rapidly. I can barely type. Pause. Eyes are blury. Blood is rushing. I was jsut with her. Mom. I want my mother and sister here with me. To console me. They are all I ever had. I wish I was to young to fully understand what is going on. I just texted my mom telling her I loved her. I see her every three months. I want a hug from anyone right now. Anyone. Bum. Preacher. Anyone. My heart is pounding more. Im running out of inhaler. Fucking hit and fucking run. I hope that fucking person. No. From hpw I feel right now, and the tense viibe in the house I would not want anyone to ever experience this. She reallly jusy fucking left us. I keeping hoping that she walks in the house. In her boutique dresses and positive vibe. I am not even related to her. But she is family. I've been here for the past four years at every birthday, holiday and family get together, and these aren't even my rellitives. I don't know weather to stay because its 2 in the AM, or go home and let the family spend time with each other. No outsiders. I remember the last thing I heard her say. She was singing chasing pavements. A song that I will alw. I can't really type right now. She's really fucking gone. 20 years of innocence. Gone because of some fucking fucking bastard who fucucuuccckcckckckkcck. I can barley breath. This is my first time experiencing some shit like this. Death. How you can go just like that. She had dreams, just like me. Makes me think. There is no fucking god. Fuck that shit. I wonder while in so fucking hostile. Fucked up shit in the ficking world happens foe no fucking reason. You niggas wanna fucking smoke weed all day and do nohing with yourb fucking lives. That shit can go like that. I try my hardest to enjoy this shit everyday. Everyfucking day im doing something I love. Something to let me live. All you stupid ass niggas gangbanging killing people are some stupid ass fucking niggers omg I can't ewven think of asnyhting to sya fuck man. Im typing all of my feelings insted of letting them out on someones car, or worse; someone. Im speechless. But more so devistaed. How could this happn? Getting hit my car and leaving? That fucker who hit her and left is going to fucking pay. We will get every fuckingsurvalencevideo fro, any fuckingstore that was near it. Fuck. Every song in the world is playing in my head right now. I can't think. Fuck. Why? Why? Kristi, please walk up these stairs. Please.

7 comments:

joshua said...

Damn....smh

Cheikh's Lavishhh.. said...

Fuck.

I hope that shit gets better Tyler.

K.icks M.aterials H.er said...

I come through here every now and then to check up on you...

this is horrible news man.

I dont even know what to say except sorry that u lost a friend.
Cause in this world there are very few of them...

stay positive my brother.
All the greats die before they are supposed to.

Ghost said...

Fuck..give us art and only 4 niggas give a fuck..fuck it anyway yeah that shit is fucked up..I lived in burbs of upstate newyork..i don't know shit about bangin..you shit is still inspiring i check it on the daily. I made thsi account just to comment on this shit..real shit R.I.P..

lostmom83 said...

I'm so sorry. :(

Fantastique said...

Sorry about your loss,

I know how it feels to lose a very close friend.

It's a long, tough road but you'll get through it soon.

Best wishes

chuk_etcetera said...

My God, I hope that you and all close to her can be able to handle this somehow. Its cliche, but really try and do what she would have wanted you to, you cant give up on anything, more than ever, you need to forge ahead my brother.

I cannot say i have experience such a loss in my adult years, but I am still here for you.

As I am no where near your closest friend, I dont think its likely that you would, but if you ever feel the need you can hit me and just talk.